Are You Serious?
by Imaginarivalued
Summary: Crack filled and spoiler for chapter 599. Now with ten percent more mascaline.
1. Chapter 1

Kakashi blinked, and blinked, and blinked, and blinked, and _blinked_.

The unmasked man stood amongst the crashing rain of slabs of rock and clashing powers, and treated them to a cold, dispassionate gaze.

Kakashi blinked some more, then clenched his eyes shut, and counted to ten. When he reopened his eyes and found that nothing had changed, he blinked again.

Finally, after what seemed like a week spent in dreaded, disbelieving anticipation, Kakashi whispered, "Obito?"

The disfigured man tilted his head slightly. "That name… no longer holds any meaning."

Kakashi blinked yet again, and said in a low, clipped tone, "Obito."

Obito's mouth did not twist to smirk nor did it dip to scowl, but his eyes of different powers and origin shined respective ominous lights.

"Ne, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto prompted from the man's side, "You know this guy? And why does it look like the right side of his face got into a fight with a cheese grater and lost?"

Gai's massive eyebrows scrunched as he peered at the unmasked Uchiha before him so hard his already beady eyes squinted to slits.

Kakashi made a strangled choking sound and coughed. After he regained a semblance of normalcy, he resolutely repeated, "Obito."

The man only regarded his silver haired counterpart coldly. "Call me what you will, but I am not Obito. I am no one; I have no name."

Kakashi's neck twitched as a tick formed at his jaw. A moment of silence, then: "Are you serious?"

Obito's eyes narrowed. "What?"

"You're Obito," Kakashi stated flatly.

"I've told you already, I am not—"

"_Are you serious?_" Kakashi seethed, holding his hands out like claws and clenching them into tight fists as his entire body trembled.

Obito squared his shoulders. "Do I look like I'm joking?"

"NO," Kakashi roared after he raged on inarticulately for an entire minute as Naruto watched nervously confused. "You don't look like you're joking. In fact, you look like Uchiha Obito, my old teammate and dear old friend who taught me the importance of the ways of the shinobi but more importantly the importance of nakama and who shouldn't be a mask wearing psychopath bent on world domination."

Obito's expression remained impassive. "That was a foolish boy long dead and long forgotten."

Kakashi gaped. "You're effing kidding me."

"You do not know what I've been through, Kakashi. The pain I've endured and the hatred I've suffered. The darkness I've seen and the cruelties I've learned. Do you know how it feels to be figuratively crushed under the weight of expectations from an accursed clan that does little other than belittle you at every turn and for every slight infraction against their elite standards that were little more than delusions of grandeur of a disgraceful group of hypocrites? Do you know how it feels to be fed the illusory righteous bullshit from a village that only uses and abuses its shinobi and try to live by the Will of Fire and try your best but _always fall short_ and the only reward for your efforts were to be _literally_ crushed by _several metric tons of falling boulders_?"

"No, but I _would have _if you _came home_ and told me about it at any point in the last _sixteen years, nine months, and thirteen days _that you've been alive!"

It was Obito's turn to blink.

"Yeah, that's right," Kakashi grounded out. "I've been keeping track because I went to the Memorial Stone every day for the last _sixteen years, nine months, and thirteen days_ to mourn your supposed death." He blinked at his own words and his eyes widened. "I stared at a stupid rock for over a decade because of you!"

Obito seemed to scoff. "It's not as if I asked you to."

"I became a pathological procrastinator because I stared at a stupid rock for over a decade because of you!"

"You did so out of your own ignorance."

"Wait," Naruto interjected. "I thought you were always late because you're always navigating the road of life or because you're always helping lost old grannies or something."

Obito frowned imperceptibly at that.

Kakashi pushed the boundaries of possibility by widening his eyes further. "I became a porn addict because of you."

Obito managed to look annoyed. "You're just blaming me for all of your questionable character flaws now aren't you?"

"I thought you liked reading the Icha Icha series, Kakashi sensei," Naruto ventured.

Gai framed his perspective of the Uchiha before him with the index fingers and thumbs of both hands forming a rectangle.

"Shut up, Naruto. Mommy and daddy are busy _bitching at each other right now_ because apparently mommy doesn't know that the best thing to do after you survive a certain death scenario is to _not _start a criminal organization and _not _start a war with all the elemental countries and come back home and tell daddy about it so that daddy could _not_ be riddled with guilt and regret for the better part of _sixteen years, nine months, and thirteen days_ ol' so days!"

"To what end? Why would I have wanted to return to a village that had its hands orchestrating more cruelty than kindness? To a clan that scorned and denied me. To a cell with a selfish teacher and an arrogant bastard of a teammate. Then again, it's just about you, isn't it, Kakashi? It's always been about you. You were the village's favorite, Minato-sensei's favorite. The only person who would have understood was Rin, and even she liked you better. If I were Obito, why would I want to return to anything like that?"

Kakashi bristled. "Right, because you not being Obito would obviously explain why you would know all about his misgivings and oh, I don't know, so that you could try to fix things? If everything was as bad as you said then maybe doing anything _other _than the things you've done so far would have been a much better choice of action."

Obito scowled now. "As if I could trust the likes of you. You promised me you would look out for her, to protect her. And yet, in the end, she was lost anyway."

"Rin wasn't lost, you moron! She just eloped with a dentist and they moved to the Fire Nation capital together!"

"It was the same. And she wouldn't have done so if you didn't spurn her affections at every turn."

"That's because you were the one who liked her and I was the one who wanted to sacrifice her and was subsequently obsessed with the guilt of your death all this time! Or did I not mention the _sixteen years, nine months, and thirteen days _spent staring at a giant rock thinking about you! ?"

"Man, is that what Sasuke and I look like when we have our epic showdowns/shouting matches?" Naruto pondered from the sideline, still armored by golden chakra.

"_**Yes**_," Kurama growled. "**And trust me when I say it looked every bit as gay as it does here**."

Naruto began to rethink his position on getting his eternal rival back and getting a girlfriend first so that his sexuality wouldn't be questioned, more than it already was anyway.

Gai began rubbing his chin in contemplation.

"What's wrong, Might Gai?" Obito seemed to sneer, upon noticing the taijutsu master's bewildered gaze at him. "Surprised to see that the runt you've defeated so easily in combat years ago come back with a vengeance?"

Gai sucked in his lips between his teeth as he continued to squint. "Do I…know you?"

Obito's brow twitched.

"No," Kakashi intoned. "No you don't, Gai. Because obviously this person isn't Obito, someone you would know because you once called him a comrade."

Obito gave a cursory glare at the still pondering taijutsu master. "I think I might be okay with that."

"Those who break the rules are trash," Kakashi recited, "but those who abandon their friends are worse than trash. Congratulations, you've broken every rule and have done far worse than abandon your friends."

Obito shrugged. "That is acceptable. After all, no one is lower than trash, and I am _no one_."

Kakashi twitched. "Are you serious?"

"You're always just words and no action to back them, Kakashi. Even with my Sharingan that made you into the hero of Konoha you're still all talk and no walk. Worse, you can't even understand the true value of my goals."

"Yeah, well, I stopped understanding at the part where you directly caused the deaths of both Minato-sensei and Kushina-san and orphaned Naruto to achieve such goals."

Naruto perked up and looked marvelously angry at that.

"You can't make omelets without cracking a few eggs, and you definitely can't rebuild a world without sacrificing a few people in it. Minato and Kushina were just amongst the unfortunate."

"Yeah? Well, speaking of unfortunate," Kakashi gritted out as he pulled out another kunai and charged it with lightning chakra, and turned to Naruto. "Naruto, Gai, trinity formation!"

Naruto and Gai blinked before nodding their heads and taking out their own kunai. "Right!"

Together, the three of them charged at Obito, whose Sharingan and Rinnegan both widened at the name of the incoming attack only those born of Konoha would know, and for once began to earnestly worry.

"Three Thousand Years of Pain!"

* * *

**AN**: Kakashi was obviously completely OOC and everything was weird because it was more or less just me going nuts. I hope every bad thing I'm involuntarily thinking is just all false and Kishi is just doing his normal thing by trolling us like mudkips. Or at the very least Kishi better have a way to clear up all the rising questions somehow eventually, and it better be good.


	2. Chapter 2

In a display of overwhelming power, Naruto and Kurama unleashed a devastating combo in the form of a _Bijuudan_ with the density of a small star upon the head of the demon statue. The dormant body of the most fearsome creature of the world's beginning history, died not with a roar, but with a crumbling whimper drowned out by the explosion of sheer detonating force that melted rock and razed the sky clear of any clouds and in their places looked eerily similar to a giant mushroom made out of fire.

"Chew on that, ya shitty excuse for a giant monster!" Naruto cheerfully declared as his golden chakra armor dissipated.

Killer B whistled. "That was one helluva super-charged move, ain't no one gonna mess up your groove!"

"Yosh!" Gai exclaimed, beaming. "What a magnificently youthful display of overkill, Naruto-kun! Truly, you are an excellent ninja by the very definition!"

Naruto pumped an arm, and shared an enthusiastic high-five with Killer B. "Hell yeah! One step closer to becoming Hokage!"

Kakashi blinked. "Huh, I guess that is your character motivation. What with the war, chasing Sasuke and saving the world and all, it became kind of relatively unremarkable. Anyway, good job, Naruto. You certainly have my vote with that incredibly impressive variant of the Rasengan. Your mother would've been especially proud of that ramen bowl shaped crater you made with the wanton destruction that would undoubtedly devastate the local ecosystem for centuries to come."

Naruto grinned on proudly, before his joyful countenance dimmed when he turned to look at the fallen Uchiha, who was prone on the ground with what looked like a tripod sticking out of his rear. The blond highly suspected that some of the red cloud prints splashed on the man's black cloak weren't red dyes. Suffice to say, Gai was going to need a new set of nunchaku.

"Yo, man!" Killer B hollered, rapper style. "That was one intense move right up the can! You scary Konoha-nin, sure know how to shove it in!"

The blond began poking the sporadically twitching Uchiha with a stick, just at the same time as a towering behemoth of a tengu-warrior-like creature rose in the distance, parting the earth with its ridiculously sized blade. "Wow. Someone is compensating something fierce."

"It's always something," Kakashi muttered. "All right, we're officially the backup now, so here's what we're going to do. Naruto, B-san, you two are the only ones powerful enough to fight something like that and survive, so head that thing off if you can, but be careful. No sense in dying now that we've come so far."

Naruto gave a cocky salute whilst B rapped his knuckles together.

Kakashi nodded and turned to his fellow Konoha jounin. "Gai, you rendezvous with our forces and tell them what transpired here and about the information we gained."

Might Gai gave a serious nod. "What about you?"

"I've used up too much chakra to be able to move at a reasonable speed, so I'm going to try to rest up here and keep an eye on the captive."

Obito spazzed violently for a moment, which caused his newly attached rear appendages to rattle.

"Get a move on, all of you. Don't worry, I'll be fine."

And with that, Kakashi watched as the three of them raced off towards the distant horizon, where the final stage of the battle would assuredly take place.

Taking a tired but steady breath, Kakashi slowly wobbled over and plopped down on the ground next to Obito's prone figure. "Well, I never thought I would have the need or the chance to say this: welcome back, Obito."

Obito gurgled something that sounded suspiciously like 'dear lord almighty kill me now'.

Kakashi patted his friend on the back of the spiky head. "Not yet, buddy, not yet. We have lots of lost time to make up for."

* * *

It had almost seemed completely hopeless at the final stretch of the war. Madara had proved to be an overwhelming force, with his immortal body and nigh endless chakra, his mokuton clones and Tengu Susano was making short work of the Five Kage as well as the entire Shinobi Alliance. That fortunately changed when Naruto and Killer B had entered the fray in splendid fashion, their presence invigorating the spirits of the entire Alliance by going toe to toe with what was essentially the combined powers of the perfect Mangekyou Sharingan and the legendary Mokuton from the two strongest shinobi in history.

The ensuing battle leveled much of the surrounding landscape while neither side could gain the upper hand. But with Madara's Mangekyou Sharingan and its high capability for genjutsu, neither Naruto nor Killer B could fight to their full potential without running the risk of having either Kurama or the Hachibi controlled or worse, and so the tide of the battle once again began to slide. That was, until Kakashi saw an opportunity and took it.

Having finally met up with the calvary medic team that Gai brought back with him, they detained Obito before patching him up and pumping him full of morphine past the recommended dose, which caused him to go into a delusional ramble and spouted information such as the location of the mole on Madara's left buttocks and the secret recipe for one Uchiha Ritsuko's peace cobbler, which an older jounin scribbled down excitedly. But most importantly, he also mindlessly revealed the location of his secret base, where they found the strangely forgotten Yamato along with the remains of the Shodai Hokage Senju Hashirama in a most creepy fashion, which caused Kakashi to angrily smack Obito upside the head though it was to minimal effect considering the Uchiha was doped up enough to mess up an elephant.

It was there that they also found the innumerable number of jars containing various body parts, mostly eyes with bloodline limits, the Sharingan in particular, stashed away like contraband. Kakashi had to take a full minute screaming and smacking Obito on the head to calm down. But it was also there that Sakura had all the necessary tools and quick tutorial to the workings of an eye transplant operation in the form of a cartoony illustrated graphic novel. And so to further disarm Obito in case of unexpected situations, Sakura removed the problems quite literally and soon a Rinnegan and a Sharingan floated in a jar full of smelly formalin.

But no matter how much Obito was pissing him off with every new reveal of his misdeeds over the last _sixteen years, nine months, and thirteen days_, Kakashi still considered him a friend, and felt slightly uncomfortable from looking at the man's empty sockets, and was about to tell Sakura to put in a replacement eye when a figurative light bulb popped up over his head. The idea that came with Kakashi's light bulb was for Sakura to swap his remaining eye with that of Obito's just removed Sharingan, effectively sparing Obito from being visually crippled while completing the set of Sharingan and turning Kakashi into the Double Copy Ninja, which came with the benefit of having the perfect form of the Kamui technique.

And it was with that new form of Kamui that Kakashi was able to fly around in an incorporeal state and sneak up on the zombie Madara, and upon seeing an open opportunity during one of the man's monologues, removed the bastard's perfect Mangekyou Sharingan and sent them to another dimension.

Without his prized eyes and pretty much only means of power, Madara was quickly subdued by Naruto and Killer B and the war was finally over.

Naturally, due to his pivotal action in the final battle Kakashi was heralded as a hero alongside Naruto, Killer B, and the Five Kage, a celebrity status he enjoyed very much since it came with free stuff like cake. Delicious, tasty cake.

The downside was that since both of his Sharingan were active at all times, he had to pull up the other side of his mask, essentially blindfolding himself. But he quickly learned that he had the perfect excuse and didn't even need to participate in all the post-war wrap ups or pretend to be paying attention since he was effectively blind outside of combat.

So that was how it came to be for Kakashi, the Hero of the Fourth Shinobi War, to be whistling a merry tune as he leisurely made his way to the memorial district, nodding his head in whatever general direction whenever someone called out to greet him.

It wasn't actually all that difficult to navigate the streets and rooftops of the village once given a little practice, and he could always sneak a few peeks if he was ever really having problems, which he just did after he realized he made a wrong turn, and found himself standing close to Naruto's apartment, which was currently occupied by both the blond knucklehead ninja as well as Sasuke.

A lot had happened after the war that needed to be addressed, the most immediate issue being what to do with Madara, who was still monologuing and making fun of everyone's mother despite being sealed at the time. It was Shikamaru who solved that problem by suggesting that they just decapitate the zombie Madara and bury the head in the same hole where Hidan's head was being kept under the Nara deer habitation, where the Nara deer could keep vigilance over the two immortal beings, and Hidan could finally have someone to bitch at while Madara would be properly punished for his crimes of being a megalomaniacal douchebag. Several years down the road, the Nara deer habitation would become infamous to children for being haunted by two foul mouthed ghosts that scream expletives while making offensive commentary about anyone who passed by.

The other important issue had been Sasuke's return, and to everyone's panic-inducing surprise, as well as both Orochimaru and Kabuto's. The three of them came to Tsunade and the other Kage with some disturbing truths behind the whole ordeal that dated back to the era of the Sage of the Six Paths. All of that information quickly became a classified super-duper triple S-ranked secret shared only by the discoverers and the Five Kage with no exceptions. And of course that was how Orochimaru bargained for his reentry into the village as well as Kabuto's by threatening to spread the information around. Tsunade didn't like Orochimaru, that was to say she wanted to rip his intestines out through the ears, and liked it even less to be coerced by the slimy former teammate, for good reason. But Orochimaru claimed to be a new man, quite literally if Kakashi understood the mechanics behind his return to flesh, and most importantly came bearing gifts, of which included fifty gallons of quality sake, a thousand lottery tickets, and the remains of one Jiraiya the Toad Sage retrieved by unknown means.

Kakashi wasn't privy to what exactly happened and what kind of deal was struck or why the hell the snake Sannin wanted to return to the village. All he knew was that now Orochimaru and Kabuto were sharing a dingy two bed one bath apartment together at the edge of the lower districts under constant surveillance until the terms of their probations were over. That and also a metal statue of Jiraiya's likeness was erected at a vantage point that had a direct view of the village's most popular hot onsen bath, to which he paid his respects to monthly, as did many other avid readers of the man's literary work.

When asked about his reason for wanting to return, Kabuto simply replied that he finally realized how stupid and gay to have the essence of Orochimaru inside himself sounded, and that he wanted to come back to find his adopted brother from back since his time at the orphanage. No one really cared about that particular story, though,

Sasuke's return was more complicated, as in the Uchiha didn't want to come back at all, so a lot of reasonable violence had to go into the persuasive argument, courtesy of Naruto, of course. For two whole days the Forest of Death echoed with explosions and fire and more explosions interspersed with screams of 'Sasukeeeeeee' and 'Narutooooo'.

Naruto emerged the victor, naturally, and Sasuke begrudgingly returned to the village. By begrudgingly, that meant in the Uchiha's unconscious state Naruto used his thumb print in lieu of a signature for a contract that detailed the agreements to the terms of Sasuke's permanent return to Konoha as well as his supposed acknowledgement that his hair would be labeled in the Bingo Book as the most atrocious affront to fashion everywhere. The bounty was set around fifty thousand ryo. Konohamaru and his teammates were the most eager undertakers of that particular bounty.

Then after a full six months in incarceration, the Uchiha was finally released to fulfill the terms of his probation. He was initially outraged that he wasn't allowed to return to live at the Uchiha compounds until Tsunade haughtily reminded the former missing-nin that the entire village had once been leveled to the ground by Pain in his attack, and obviously that included the Uchiha district as well. So Sasuke was left with his choice of living arrangements limited to going back to prison, staying with Orochimaru and Kabuto, or living with Naruto. His decision had been relatively easy if terribly reluctant.

But then ironically, that was actually the beginning of Naruto's problems. Even though they were eternal rivals and supposedly best friends, the blond forgot that neither of them could actually stand each other in a civilized daily basis, and many arguments broke out that eventually regressed to angry, passionate shouts of each other names. For the first month following Sasuke's release and subsequent moving in with Naruto, the apartment complex was often surrounded by women of various ages (with the occasional male eavesdropper) hoping to get a chance to hear something good.

And so it was to Naruto's horror that he found out that instead of being considered an eligible bachelor he was proclaimed Konoha's sexiest closet couple with Uchiha Sasuke, with their love being stronger than the Rasengan and hotter than the Ameterasu as described by the tabloids.

Realizing that he had to act fast before he and Sasuke were branded Mr. and Mrs. Uzumaki (because the blond insisted that he would've been the one on top, dattebayo!) forever the Hokage aspirant began his belated quest to find a girlfriend and quell the rumor mills, which of course started with him once again asking out his teammate Sakura. Interestingly enough, Sasuke also began to pursue their pink haired teammate around the same time, which according to the tabloids, was an effort to thwart Naruto's attempt of leaving him by seducing the opposition.

Presented with the scenario at hand, Sakura had smiled very sweetly at her two teammates and declared, "Screw you guys, I want a normal relationship," and then swiftly rejected them both in favor of going out with that foreign ninja who apparently confessed to her during the war.

Naturally, Naruto was shocked and distraught over the entire situation and tried to nurse his depression with enough ramen bowls to feed a dozen infantries while lamenting that he would never find true love and would end up alone with Sasgay for the rest of his miserable life. That was incidentally far from the truth, however, considering the blond was obliviously entangled in some sort of love decagon of which included but not limited to Karin, Shion, Hana, Ayame, Shizune, Shiho, Sai, Ino, Anko, Hinata, and Sasuke. In fact, the blond was veritably the village bicycle, and everyone wanted a ride. Kakashi would've been jealous if he hadn't found the perfect substitute for the fluid filled debacle known as romance years ago already.

Hinata, who almost died once and survived a war, was surprisingly perhaps the strongest contender at the moment. The shy girl had decided life was too short to not risk it all with the growing romantic geometric tension surrounding Naruto and saw Sakura's abrupt departure and the blond's subsequent disheartened emotional vulnerability as a golden opportunity. And so in an effort to finally gain Naruto's attention she one day approached him with her long black hair dyed a bright pink and wearing a bikini top made out of ramen bowls. It worked. It could've worked even better if she didn't almost die from an aneurism but still.

Unfortunately, Hiashi also caught wind of the girl's scandalous tactic to gain the blond knucklehead's attention and upon seeing her neon pink hair the clan head suffered a heart attack, a stroke, and an epileptic seizure all at the same time before he passed out into a coma. Kakashi still insisted that it was kind of funny to Neji's ever growing ire.

All in all, life in postwar Konoha was shaping up to be pretty interesting, and all of them perfect inspirational material for his new book, for which the rough draft was wrapped up into a bundle and tucked under his arm.

Finally reaching his intended destination, which was located in one of the ANBU barracks, Kakashi pushed open the door and cheerfully greeted, "Hey, Tobito, sorry I'm late."

Obito, who was sitting on tatami cross-legged, and wearing an eye-patch and leashed around the neck to a giant metal ball, scowled. "Stop calling me that."

Kakashi shrugged. "It's either that or I go back to calling you the One-Eyed Boob. You know, since you're not Obito and everything."

Obito groaned and eyed his five metric tons of a neck accessory distastefully. "Did you have to chain me to something that could easily crush me? Again."

"I wouldn't have done it if you didn't try to escape like every single day. Seriously, give it a rest."

"I was highly motivated," the Uchiha muttered.

"I'm sure," Kakashi said smiling, though the other man couldn't tell since his entire face was basically covered, and tossed the man the bundle of papers he was carrying. "Here's the draft for the next chapter."

Obito tried to set the package in his hands on fire by sheer force of will to no avail. "When is this hell going to end?"

"Just _sixteen years, one month, and twenty-two days_ left to go, my good editor-in-chief. Now c'mon, chop chop. You've got work to do!"

"How did you even write this if you're not using your eyes? You know, the ones you _stole from me_?"

"Just think of it as a gift for sixteen years of missed birthday presents. And I had it dictated by Sasuke." He had to punish that little shit somehow, right? "Now read it out loud as usual."

Obito experienced a full body shudder. "What if I refuse?"

"Then you can go live with either Orochimaru or Naruto. Slimy unidentified objects everywhere or Bromance the Musical. Take your pick."

Obito heaved a long suffering sigh and after full a minute in silence, began to read. "Lady Lin rested a dainty hand upon the gorgeous and talented warrior Sasashi as she edged closer to gaze at him with lustful eyes. 'Oh my darling Sakashi,' the brunette vixen cooed, "my sinful heart yearns for your powerful yet gentle embrace. Only your touch can bring meaning to my tortuous existence.' 'Alas, my dear Lady Lin," Sakashi the handsome warrior said. 'I must go to slay the evil one-eyed dragon Obiko to ensure the safety of our kingdom. But once I return, we shall make sweet music together.' Lady Lin grasped at him tearfully. 'Then share this one night with me. Take me, as a stallion takes its mane, and bang me over that pile of instant ramen like a jungle man beats his drum.'"

The Uchiha paused. "Just so you know, this is utter shit."

Kakashi just pulled over a beanbag chair. "Keep reading. You're just getting to the good part."

Muttering expletives under his breath, Obito continued.

Ah yes, this was what real friendship was all about: reading and writing pornographic literature together on a lazy Friday afternoon.

Kakashi leaned back into his beanbag chair, folded his hands behind his head, and smiled with content.

* * *

**AN**: I dunno, just got carried away.


End file.
